Troll Echos

I’m not sure if insects can fly hundreds of miles across open ocean, or for that matter, if they even want to, but as far as I can tell they can’t.  St. Lucia was delightfully lacking in the typical insects of the Northeast.  I don’t recall seeing a single mosquito dispite the almost constant presence of puddles and standing moisture they so love.  We as honeymooners were not alone on the island however.

Everywhere you look there were frogs the size of a quarter, large snales, and lizards that would impress Geiko.  Whether they were actually geckos or not I have no idea. The frogs hung out on frondy plants that hung near the short sidewalk lights that were all over the grounds of the resort.  My wife and I came to call them “Frog condos” thanks to the multi-layered housing effect and the fact that we often so more than one of them near a single light.  The idea of housing or warmth was quickly replaced with the reality that they were hanging out for a midnight snack made up of any tiny light attracted bugs that were silly enough to pass within tongue range of the tiny amphibious hunters.

During the day lizards basked in the sun on anything they could find.  Sometimes it was the same lights the frogs made into hunting zones, other times it was random guard rails or plants, but most often it was literally in the middle of the sidewalk.  My initial thoughts at this pattern were along the lines of “well, I guess you are next on evolutions list to elimitate for playing in traffic.”  How truly wrong I was.  Never in my life have I seen an animal so like a ninja before.  3 inches of lizard could go from apparently asleep in the sidewalk to simply gone before you even knew it was moving.  They moved very quickly, and were nervous enough about people that you couldn’t even get closer than about 4 or 5 feet from them before they did their vanishing act again.  This turned my wife and I into very frustrated photographers indeed.

On the exact opposite end of the speed spectrum was the humble snail in its not so humble shell.  They were large, they were slow, and frankly they were short lived.  I personally squashed at least one during our stay by stepping on it in the dark without knowing it was there.  Walking up the roads at night revealed that they didn’t have much better luck with vehicle traffic either.  There were creepy slippery smears of snail guts and shell bits all over the roads every night just waiting for the next day’s torential rain to wash them away into oblivion.

It should stand to reason that countless pirate songs can’t all be wrong when describing the islands.  They drink a lot of rum.  I had no idea how much in fact.  They have types and flavors of rum you have never heard of, half of which would make any self-respecting pirate blush a little.  If the idea of chocolate rum, orange rum, and even ginger rum aren’t out there enough for you, they also make drinks using these crazy rums by adding everything from fruit juice to actual fruit to cream and an unlimited number of other things.  If you don’t like rum, you should consider visiting some other part of the world that hasn’t yet made its way into pirate songs.

Not to complain, but inclusive seems to have many definitions.  My wife would chime in at this point to remind me that all “All Inclusive” places follow a similar model, and I’m certain she’s correct.  My problem is at least partially based on the fact that I’ve never been to an all inclusive resort before, and before I give Sandals a bad name I would like to point out that it was certainly “mostly inclusive.”  

Resorts are big business.  There is really no other intelligent way to describe it.  To that end, they do everything in their power to get as much money out of you as possible before and during your stay.  Before we arrived they successfully sold us safari adventures and romantic dinners for two with exclusive butler service and candle light.  During our stay the choices were almost endless.

Tipping was strictly forbidden on Sandals property, that I am infinitely thankful for based on our experience at the airport.  Generally speaking, everything you want was included.  Assuming you only wanted food and drinks.  Wine lists were provided at almost every single meal, and they cost extra.  While wondering the resort, the uncommonly pushy camera men working for the little photo shop were around almost every corner like paparazzi.  Instead of taking pictures of you, they were there to ask if you wanted them to.  Trust me when I say that is almost as annoying.  Needless to say, pictures taken cost nothing, unless you actually want them.  That meant paying for them.  The gift shop was about as overpriced as any other you find in the tropics, but was obviously not included in the price of admission.  There was also an almost constant presence of staffers trying to sell you time in their spa or convincing you to book a return visit.

It wasn’t all bad of course, just a little overwhelming sometimes for a guy on the first real vacation of his entire professional career.  Thanks to the free meals being readily available, for some time after arriving back home I actually worried that I would go out to eat somewhere and simply get up and leave when I was done as I had done so many times on my honeymoon.  The experience of being able to order a 3 to 5 course meal with an alcoholic drink at every meal without concern for price was an awesome one indeed.  So, if you go to an all inclusive, be ready to to say “No.”  almost constantly to the attempts to upsell pictures, wine, and anything else they can think of.  It will still be a blast and a great excuse to put on some extra inches to the old waistline.