Troll Echos

Unless you’ve ever had to actually install a storm door, you probably think of them as the fun extra door that gets in the way when you are getting a new couch or refrigerator delivered and that they are just standard issue house “stuff.” I now find myself as a member of the group that has had to install a storm door. Few things you could ever install onto/into your house seem like they could be easier. In reality, few things could be farther from the truth than that assumption.

My original concept of what the process would involve closely imitated the storm door displays in Home Depot. Wonderfully ready to go screen door in a box that need only be lined up in the hole and screwed in place. This concept was promptly dashed as I opened the box of my very own storm door to install and discovered exactly how many pieces it came in and that it had its own 12-step program.

Storm doors, you see, are designed to fit an impressive number of possible doorways. Ones that aren’t quite straight, ones that are wider in some places than others, ones that aren’t any standard width, ones where the hinge-side and latch-side are interchangeable, and so on. To allow for such flexibility in design, the number of tools needed to install one climbs dramatically, and the number of parts of the door that are ready to go out of the box are reduced to almost zero. Once you are ready to start be sure you know where your closest hardware store is, you’ll need it. Repeatedly.

In my case, I discovered a very real need for a hacksaw, a trip to the store to buy screws that failed to be included in the package, tons of measuring with a tape measure, some more measuring with a ruler, a collection of screw driver bits, drill bits, and even a center punch. Diagrams in the instruction book were designed to be understood by the common idiot, with a PhD in Physics and twin masters in Geometry and Spacial Reasoning. Things that sound simple like “To identify which side is the top, you just do this” actually take a keen sense of logical analysis and a dictionary to figure out the reference point names they use.

When all was said and (sorta) done, my screen door is only partially attached and is carefully attached to the railing of my porch with string to prevent being battered by wind. It’s not what I would call “installed.” The project will have to continue after acquiring more screws that match the aesthetics of the doorway and door.

The next day I finished installing the door and all it’s various bits, but I’m almost 100% convinced that I did something wrong. Despite having read each step of the directions no fewer than 5 times and trying my absolute best to fully understand what I was about to do, before I did anything I would regret, I fully believe I’ve installed the storm door incorrectly. I question whether or not it can be corrected without massive amounts of work and also whether my front door is designed to take the storm door I got.

fur·ni·ture tet·ris: [fur-ni-cher tet-ris] -noun

1. the game involving taking an entire room worth of furniture and stacking it in another smaller room so it takes up the least possible amount of space.
2. the appearance furniture takes on after being stacked in such a way as to leave virtually no room between individual pieces and can therefore be “cleared.”

This evening was spent playing furniture tetris. The goal was to take all of the furniture out of the living room and fit it into the kitchen. Bear in mind while picturing this that the kitchen is approximately the same size as the living room, but it’s got a table, some chairs, cabinetry, a few major appliances, cat food bowls, and a garbage can all taking up space. Also worth picturing is that the living room started with the following items: a big heavy TV and the stand for it, a few video game consoles and loads of wire share space with the TV stand, a sleeper couch, a love seat, a chair, a piano and stool, 2 end tables complete with lamps, a coffee table, a small book case full of video games, a few boxes full of DVD cases and/or more video games, and a wine rack with literally 99 bottles of wine in it.

Now with my back aching something fierce and my kitchen being entirely full of stuff, my living room is ready to get the carpet ripped out and the laminate flooring put in. It’s going to be another busy weekend of working around the house.